i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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