True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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