i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
