This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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