The maid of honor just puked.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
