I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i believe in u and ur pee
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
