my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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