My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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