I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
