I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
