I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
