I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
