I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
