My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
