Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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