i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
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Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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