Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
