mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I won the penis lottery.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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