I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
only if we run a train.
done.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
