I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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