He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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