I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
