Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
