That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
