Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
