i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
