This is not my ceiling
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
