I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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