I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
