last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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