the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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