I CAN MOONWALK!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
