all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
