I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
