At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
