Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
