the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
