a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
