Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
