My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
