Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
