i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
NoShamevember. You game?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
