And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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