My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
