what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
