her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
