i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
