would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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