Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
