wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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