i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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