We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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