Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
two words...techno handjob
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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