During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
