Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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