i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
